The Revealing of Feelings
by AnimeAddikt93
Summary: Ritsuka is older and is able to admit his feelings.
1. Love

**Author's Note: My first non-Shungiku Nakamura fanfic. Exciting. **

Getting older was proving to make things more difficult. Living with Soubi got harder everyday. My feelings stopped being simple a long time ago. He was still the same Soubi I had met a couple years ago. I wasn't the same Ritsuka though. The love I had for him now was different. I didn't just want the warmth and safety he made me feel. He pretty much had my heart without knowing it. I only let myself think about it when he wasn't here. I really loved him though.

I chose him over Semei...if he hadn't realized by now he never would. I'd let him know tonight. I'd been more and more depressed lately about this whole situation. Nothing could really help me, not even the presence of the friends I finally managed to hold on to. Sometimes I was happy and other times I was miserable. It was taking it's toll on my body. I laid on the couch Soubi usually slept on. He'd been sleeping on the couch for awhile now. I would tell him to stay with me. I could smell him everywhere. There was no escape. Now that it was summer I had even more time on my hands.

I closed my eyes and fell asleep breathing his scent in, thinking about him. His laughter. His face. I wanted it all. I'd only been sleep a little while when I heard Soubi come in with Kio. I wanted to hit him. I needed to talk to Soubi, but lately he'd been around more than ever. I was getting tired of it. From what I saw he was Soubi's only friend so I couldn't say anything. I peaked over the couch. Soubi was staring at me and smiling like always. I could feel my cheeks going red and saw his face turn from happy to confused.

All I could do was look at him and think things I'd never thought I'd think about a person let alone a grown man. I was only a little kid. Soubi only accepted me because Semei had told him to. He only said he loved me because he had to. I would make him love me. As always Kio offered me a lollipop. I always said no. This time I took one. I slinked back down on the couch and stared at the tv.

"Just because you keep looking doesn't mean it's going to turn on." Soubi looked amused, but I could see the worried expression lurking.

"I don't want to watch it anyway." I looked at the screen quietly while Kio talked. I could see from the reflection in the tv that Soubi was watching me.

"Kio. I think Ritsuka doesn't feel very well. Maybe we should hang out tomorrow." Kio looked over at me. I just stared back until he looked away.

"Aw! Come on!" Kio sometimes reminded me of a two year old. He whined more than anyone I knew. I didn't mind Soubi having company and all it was just Kio that sort of annoyed me. I really don't know how some people are put up with. I guess that might not really be who Kio is though. Everyone can act happy. His act didn't convince me, Soubi probably didn't want to get involved in more problems.

If Kio left I could tell Soubi how I felt, or at least try to. Kio was finally kicked out after promises of lunch tomorrow while I sat on the couch trying to find my voice. "Ritsuka, you've been down lately."

"I've been thinking about how I felt lately. About everything...about you." He just looked at me for awhile. I had to finish what I was saying. "I'm the one who is always staying with you now. I shouldn't be the one in your bed and maybe I can help out more." It was a start.

"Ritsuka, I enjoy you being here. You don't have to do anything you don't want to." I didn't stop him when he put his hand over mine.

"Waht I'm trying to say is...I like you Soubi and things aren't so awkward anymore. Now that I'm older...I've had time to get to know you. I know Semei ordered you to do certain things...but I love you." I was too afraid to look at him now.


	2. Rain

**Author's Note: Sorry for spelling errors and such. Being back to school sticks. Updates won't be as frequent now. **

Soubi patted my head like an adult would to a little kid. Suddenly I was furious. It seemed like no one in my life could take me seriously, or accept me no matter what I did. I was started to get made. I didn't want to be treated like a child...not by Soubi. Anyone else could just not him. He knew I stopped being a child when Semei supposedly died. I was no longer a child. I didn't have that anymore. I wasn't as lucky as other kids who didn't have a crazy mom.

"Soubi you don't seem to understand me." I put my hands on either side of his face and made him look at me. He looked straight at me and didn't move away. I could see he was beginning to understand. I didn't love him like a brother or a friend.

Kio walked back in. "Forgot my jacket." I moved away from Soubi then got up and locked myself in the bathroom. Someone was forever going to be ruining my life. I turned on the water in the tub and stripped down. I sat in and let the water fill around me. I wanted to drown everything out.

At times like this I couldn't help but think of Semei. He would've made me feel better. We used to take baths together and stay together. He would protect me and I was allowed to act like a little kid. He never stopped saying that he loved me and I was the best brother ever. He was the best brother too. It was hard to think of him the way he is now. He used to be all hugs and smiles. Now he wrote messages on the wall in blood when it was completely unnecessary. He was cruel. I still loved him though.

I wasn't sure if I'd ever be strong enough to completely reject Semei. The thought crushed me every night before I went to sleep, greeted me in my nightmares, and was still with me when I woke up. I scrubbed myself until I felt like all the bad things were gone. Soubi had been knocking at the door for some time, but I wouldn't let him in. I didn't like to cry in front of anyone. It'd be another reason for Soubi to treat me like I was a baby.

Standing in front of the steamed over mirror I looked like one. I looked fragile. I looked like something that needed to be held or protected. I punched the wall. It cracked and I saw blood drip down onto the floor. "Ritsuka! Open the door!" I unlocked it. My hand was behind my back. Soubi looked at the wall. I shoved him out of the way and went to find some clothes. I needed a walk. He grabbed me before I got far.

He was examining my hand before I could pull it away. I got half dressed while Soubi looked for the first aid kit. My hand was slowing me down to much so I couldn't make an escape in time. "I know you're angry Ritsuka, but you shouldn't hurt yourself."

"Should I hurt someone else?" I looked out the window at the summer thunder storm. The rain was falling like it was being poured from buckets. It looked like waterfalls on everyone's windows.

"Hurt me." Soubi was wrapping up my hand.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"Then don't hurt yourself." Hurting myself hurt Soubi. I didn't want to hurt Soubi. He'd been hurt so much by Semei. I nodded. I was so tired. I plopped down in bed and closed my eyes. Just before I was falling asleep I felt Soubi slide in bed next to me. It was a start.


	3. Kiss

**Author's Note: I fell asleep which sucks because now I'm screwed tomorrow morning when I have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn for school. Yeah...fun. So that's why my updates are later than normal! **

I was pissed at Soubi. At some point he moved from the bed to the couch. I was going to hit him while he was asleep and he wouldn't be able to stop me. I was about to get up when I realized why he left. I was tangled in the blankets and sprawled out everywhere. I'd had another nightmare. I was sweating and my cheeks were wet so I was crying at some point. I was glad I never remember much about these nightmares, just that they were about Semei or Soubi.

I stuck my head under freezing water in the sink. I thought back to the time when my mom did that except she held me under and hoped I didn't come back up. Soubi saved me then too. I could hear him getting up to investigate what I was doing. I needed the feeling of pain to wake me up. Not enough to hurt me, but enough to shock me. I hated cold water. I could never get used to it.

I stood up and looked at Soubi. I was dripping all of the place, but I didn't care. I looked in the mirror. What would I look like without these ears? What would everyone think of me? Right now I looked like a drowned cat. I looked at the fresh cuts where my nails dug into my palms. They stung. I turned the water on full blast and put them under.

Soubi watched me from the doorway. He walked in and grabbed the first aid kit. He wrapped my hands up without saying anything. When he was done he stayed closed to me. "I'll make breakfast." He kissed my cheek, light and soft. I wasn't sure what it meant. He usually didn't do things like that though.

Youji and Natsuo finally made their appearance after being gone a couple days. They stopped by when they wanted to and crowded the bed most of the time. I liked them being here though. When I had a nightmare I could feel Youji playing with my hair or Natsuo squeezing the life out of me. It was comforting. It was something Soubi never did because at night sometimes he was gone or too exhausted to sleep. Sometimes he would wake up when I screamed and get me back to sleep.

Soubi was getting ready to go to work. I stood my on toes and kissed him. Then I ran away. He stared at me before he left. I was going to win him over.


	4. Rules

**Author's Note: I had AP exams today. I think I did good though. SO stressful. I'm glad to write about something I actually like now. **

I looked on the counter to see Soubi's lunch there. I put it in the fridge. I'd bring it to him. There was something I had to be able to do to make Soubi happy. Youji and Natsuo were lounging in the living room. They had to know something about love that I didn't. They had such a weird relationship with each other, but love had to be involved somewhere.

I sat down in between Youji and Natsuo. "Ritsuka you've seemed down lately." Natsuo was playing with my hair already. He had some unnatural obsession with it. He seemed the same way with Youji.

"Actually I have to ask you something that might help me." Natsuo nodded. Youji tried to feed me a grape. I was picky with what I ate and kept turning my head. I didn't like the sensation of something that exploded open like a grape or cherry tomato. "What if you like someone, but they won't give you a chance?"

"It depends why they won't give you a chance. If they just don't like you there's nothing you can do, but sometimes there are more complicated reasons behind everything." Was Soubi still loving Semei? Did he not like me at all? Was he following orders and that's it?

"I'm not sure what it is. I was just wondering what you guys would think. You seem to know a lot more than I do." There had to be some reason that I wasn't good enough for Soubi.

"Sometimes it has something to do with an age difference. Some people like mature people that are a lot older." Was I too young? Youji was nodding silently whenever Natuso said anything. It seemed like he trusted him more than anything. I had that trust for Soubi, but it didn't have to be the other way around.

I walked the long way to the gallery where Soubi worked. Any place was art was somewhere where he should be. I was always shocked at how much Soubi belonged in certain places. I never really seemed to belong in any one place. Ever after being in the same place for so long I couldn't find a group I really fit in with. Sure I had friends, but I wasn't in any clubs or anything like that. I'd started to drift apart from everyone. They seemed to be figuring out that I was just too different.

Soubi looked up when I walked in. I held his lunch and looked around. I always wished I could be creative like some people were. I was before. At least mom was always screaming about it before I left to stay with Soubi. Before I stopped therapy. Before when Semei was the Semei I knew.

"Thanks Ritsuka." He patted my head. "We can eat together."

"Soubi do you understand what I feel? That I'm not joking with you?" He stared at me for awhile.

"You really just don't understand." He ran his hand through my hair.

"I could try if you would tell me." Soubi was doing all the eating. Mostly to avoid talking.

"You're so young Ritsuka. You have your whole life ahead of you and maybe you'll find someone else." I laughed.

"Someone else who would deal with me? Someone other than you? I don't like people easily Soubi. You're one of the few that made me break my rules."


	5. Warmth

**Author's Note: Would've updated sooner but website isn't letting me? Idk what's going on today. **

Soubi started to act weird around me. He wouldn't avoid me exactly, I could just tell every smile was forced and that he was trying to act like himself. He probably thought I didn't know the difference, but Soubi thought I never liked him. It wasn't that I didn't like him it was that I didn't want to like anyone. He somehow forced his way into my heart though and he was all I could think about. Without anything to distract me I sat home and thought about Soubi and what I could do to fix things all day.

"Soubi could you stop acting this way. If you don't want me here tell me." I finally managed to blurt this out over dinner. It'd been a couple days and I was getting tired of him acting this way.

"Ritsuka I always want you around." I was tired of that fake smile.

"Don't say things you don't mean!" I got up, knocking my food all over the place in the process and walked out. It was raining pretty hard and I knew I had nowhere to go. Nowhere was better than where I was. I started running. I had no clue where I was going until I ended up at the park across the street from my old house. I could see mom in the window cooking dinner and talking to herself. She must be imagining the old me, and Semei who she thought was dead. We both were in a way.

I sat on the swings and let myself cry. I hadn't in so long. I was trying to be strong. Being strong was hard though. Being strong sucked. I wasn't the type of person who could be that way. Now everything was crashing down around me. The only stability I had was Soubi and now it was knocked away. I felt like a bridge ready to collapse. There was nothing I could do about it either.

Now all I could think of Semei and how he used to be. How I used to sleep in his bed and we would take baths together and eat dinner together. I wanted that warmth back. I wanted everything back how it used to be before it all go ruined, but it wasn't going to happen. I looked up to see Soubi standing in the rain. He was out of breath.

I was furious. I couldn't seem to slow my heart down around him. I wanted him to hold me all the time. I wanted him to tell me that he loved me too and mean it. I got up and punched Soubi. It didn't really do anything at all, but it made me feel better. I kept going until he grabbed my wrists and pulled me forward. His arms were around me before I could fight back.


	6. Smile

**Author's Note: I have an AP exam tomorrow but my teacher instructed me to relax and not study. It's english though, my best subject. So technically all this writing is studying...**

"You're going to catch a cold." Soubi placed his coat over me and walked me back to his place. I don't know why I ended up back at the place I could never return to. It was because I wasn't me anymore and my mom wanted the old Ritsuka, not this one. It seemed like everyone wanted the old Ritsuka. I liked the me I was now. No one else seemed to, not Semei or Soubi.

I waited in the hallway. I could here the bath running. I started to take off my wet clothes. They were heavy, but without them I felt like I might disappear. I had just started putting them back on when Soubi appeared. "What are you doing? Don't put them back on." I held onto my shirt when he tried to grab it.

"I'll disappear." He smiled and nodded like what I said made sense. I knew it didn't, and so did he. I followed him to the bathroom and stared at the bath. It was filled with bubbles. I wasn't a kid. I got it anyway. Soubi was in the tub next to me before I could tell him to go away.

"You know, you've been very troublesome lately. You just shout your feelings at me and then never let me answer, or even think of an answer. It's given me some time to think though." Soubi was washing my hair like Semei used to. "Ritsuka you remember how different Semei used to be. Even to me he was a bit kinder than he is now. It's hard to see someone you love change. If someone is a completely different person it gets harder to love them."

That must be how mom felt about me. "So that's why mom doesn't like me." Soubi didn't say anything.

"What I mean is...I think of Semei differently now. A part of me wants to go by his rules and do whatever he tells me. It's a small part. The bigger part is now doing whatever you want me to do. Just because Semei told me to keep an eye on you doesn't mean that I can sit here and feel nothing for you. It's been a couple years since we met now. You'll be 15 soon." Soubi felt something for me at least. "I didn't think we'd become such good friends in a short time." Friends. "Like you, Ritsuka, I have rules and you also make me break them."

"Rules? You don't seem to have any rules to me." Soubi just smiled like he always did.

"For one I never wanted to love anyone. Semei made me break that one. You are a different story. When I met you I swore I would love you, but not fall in love with you. You see, there's a difference even though it doesn't seem like there would be. I also wanted to leave you to live your life freely, but you somehow ended up living with me." Soubi broke his rules too. "Ritsuka it's complicated for an adult to love a child in the way you want."

"I never got the chance to be a child." Soubi sighed.

"I was trying to give you that chance. Some things just show up too late even when you want them. I was one of those things. Semei would never let me meet you. He wanted to protect you all by himself. I knew he needed some help. There wasn't much I could do though. When he told me to do something I had to." Soubi rinsed my hair while humming to himself. "Some things work out for the best though."

"Soubi if loving me is too hard...you don't have to." I couldn't read the look on his face now.

"Ritsuka it's not my choice whether I love you or not. I could try to stop thinking of you. I could try to forget you. It doesn't mean I would. Some things aren't accepted though." He moved me towards the mirror. "Imagine going back to school in the fall." He covered my eyes. "What would people think?" I couldn't stop myself from turning red.

"You're right." Soubi looked a little hurt. "I don't care what people think...but if it makes everything easier for you..." I looked in the mirror. Soubi's bandages were loose and his glasses disappeared at some point. He was missing an earring and had darks circles under his eyes. "I've been thinking of myself too much." I washed Soubi's hair for him, replaced his earrings, and tucked him in after he changed the bandage around his neck. When I was about to walk away he pulled me down next to him, so I was happy...for now.


	7. Protect

**Author's Note: Today was pretty awesome. **

I woke up bundled up in the blankets. I could feel Soubi next to me. I wasn't sure what time it was, but birds always woke me up. I turned to look at the alarm clock and came face to face with Soubi. He was wide awake just laying there. I peered around him to make things a little less awkward. Five AM. Too early to be awake. I groaned and covered my head with the thick soft blanket Soubi had.

I felt Soubi's laugh since I was so close to him. "You're so cute Ritsuka." He squeezed me. I wanted to be mad, but I couldn't be anything but embarrassed and happy.

"I'm not cute, I'm tired." I closed my eyes but my heart was beating hard. I put my hand over it and could feel the pounding in my chest. I was glad Soubi couldn't see my face.

"Well, maybe we're awake for a special reason." Soubi's special reason was pancakes since he couldn't come up with any other special reason when I asked him. I'd finally started to eat whatever Soubi made for me. I used to be constantly picky, but when I finally tried the things he gave me I liked them. Now I would only eat what he made for me which might be worse. He never seemed to mind though. Soubi never seemed to mind anything I asked him for.

Youji and Natsuo always appeared when food was around. I missed them a lot since they had arrangements living with someone I didn't know. For the first time in awhile I laughed and smiled. Soubi even seemed happy. Kio dropped by and Soubi gave him food too. Kio and Soubi disappeared and I was left alone after Youji and Natsuo left. It was still early and I was tired. I burrowed into Soubi's bed and fell asleep quickly.

I woke up when the door opened and Soubi was home for the day. "Good evening sleeping beauty." I looked out at the dark sky.

"I slept all day." I rubbed my eyes and stared out the window at the lights of the city. Sometimes they were as pretty as the stars...sometimes. Soubi had brought home take out. I couldn't help but stare at it for awhile. Soubi was already eating, so I just went ahead and nibbled at everything.

"We did get up pretty early." You didn't sleep all day though. You worked.

"Yuiko found a job for me." Soubi dropped his chopsticks and looked up at me.

"You don't need a job." Soubi seemed to bent on me not having a job.

"Sure, I do. I can help around here and learn responsibility and all that stuff." I was finally eating because my stomach started growling and Soubi kept staring at me. "It wouldn't be bad to have extra money." Soubi didn't look convinced. He looked worried. "I'm just here by myself all day anyway." I tried to sound nonchalant about everything while looking at Soubi for his reaction.

"I think it would be safest if you didn't have a job." He was concerned with other fighters...or Semei.

"Maybe you're right." I was more afraid than he was. "I can't protect myself." I stopped eating and stared out the window. I couldn't protect myself, but maybe I could protect Soubi. At least his heart anyway.

Soubi tried to act normal and put on some movie. Neither of us paid attention. He ended up playing with my hair and staring out the window thinking whatever he thought. I could never tell when it came to Soubi. I tried to control my anger. If only I was older. If only I was stronger. "What's wrong?"

I was barely aware of Soubi talking to me. He had to shake me until I finally looked over at him. "Ritsuka, are you okay?"

"Not really." No use in lying. He'd just find out anyway. I could feel his hand on my cheek, and then for a brief second his lips on mine. I was happy for it at first. I wasn't grown up though. I didn't know how to kiss Soubi, or the things that would make him happy. I needed to know more about him that way I would be the only one who could make him happy no matter what.


	8. Truth

**Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews. It's all I have to say for now. **

Soubi had just left for work. I waited until I was sure he was at work and snuck out behind him. I wore the key on my neck on a chain because I kept losing every copy Soubi made for me. Yuiko was waiting for me in the park. Yuiko made me feel weird. I was never sure what I felt for her. I either wanted to punch her or be her best friend. She wasn't dumb...she just needed to think a little more. She was a good friend though and I hadn't seen her yet this summer which was starting to make me sad.

Yayoi was there too. He was hopelessly in love with Yuiko, but Yayoi was so self-conscious it became an issue. The only thing I doubted myself about was Soubi and that feeling was slowly getting pushed away. I just needed to find out why Soubi loved me now. I'd ask him later, or at least try to.

Soubi never wanted me going out alone for too long. I always walked to the park to bring Yayoi and Yuiko back to Soubi's place. "Ritsuka!" Yuiko was hanging off of me in a matter of seconds. I could never figure out how she managed that because she was so tall. I let her hold my hand in that crazy grip of hers while we walked back to Soubi's.

"Why are you still staying with Soubi? Aren't the renovations on your house done?" Yayoi asked me that every time I brought him here. Last night I decided to tell them the truth about everything. I was tired of lying to my only friends besides Youji and Natsuo.

"Actually there were never any renovations." Yuiko and Yayoi stopped playing video games and looked over at me. "Before my brother...died..." It was too weird saying that when I knew he was fine. "He would protect me from my mom. She gets made and hits me...or worse. Soubi decided it would be better if I lived with him."

"So all those times you were hurt or missed school was because of that?" Yuiko looked like she was going to cry.

"Well, it's not just something you tell people. It's partly my fault. I'm not who I used to be. Even therapy can't make me remember anything. My mom is always saying she wants the old Ritsuka back, but I don't know who that is supposed to be." I've tried to remember. I really have, but I'm still the same way as I have been since I started being different. Semei abandoned me to stay with her. Mom. She hates me. There's nothing I can do about it.

"So what happened that made Soubi take you away?" Yayoi had turned off the tv. Yuiko didn't object.

"I came home one time and she had filled the sink with cold water...she tried to drown me. Luckily Soubi was around. He would usually wait a couple minutes to make sure everything was okay when he walked me home." I looked down at my hand. There was still an oddly shaped scar from the time she stabbed me with a fork. How did I live there so long without Semei to protect me? Without anyone. "So what did you want to talk about anyway?"

"Oh yeah! That job." Yuiko was faking happiness. I could see the tears threatening to spill over. I was happy someone was so worried about me.

"Yeah...Soubi doesn't think that it would be a good idea. He doesn't feel comfortable not knowing who I'm with all day." Yuiko looked sad again, but just nodded. "If it's around here though you can come visit me more often."

"Yeah!. Of course." Yuiko was happy with the smallest things. Now I knew why I liked her so much. Yayoi seemed happy knowing I couldn't work with them that way he'd have some time alone with Yuiko. In the end things work out.


	9. Happy

**Author's Note: I have to stop slacking on the Loveless stuff. Sorry :) **

Soubi was home just after Yuiko and Yayoi left. I had watched them walk away until I could see them anymore then went back inside to wait for Soubi. Today I would ask him where his feelings for me came from. I would be willing to wait for them to come from himself even if it took forever. I couldn't be so selfish and expect him to give me everything though.

Soubi walked in and flopped on the couch. Work must've been hard. "Soubi...do you only love me because Semei told you to?"

"I feel like I've known you for a long time. I've always loved you...just as a brother because you were a brother to Semei. In a way I owe Semei because he gave me to you and told me to love you I had to force those ideas into my head even though I was sad. I thought that you wouldn't be able to make me feel better...that you would be a spoiled brat and I wouldn't like you. I would've still done what Semei told me to do." I could hear him moving around trying to get comfortable. "Now I feel differently. Right from the moment I saw you I'd known I judged to quickly. You were someone who was hurt and wanted to move on too. Make new memories. Even though Semei told me to love you it wasn't hard to do it myself and after we saw Semei the way he was I realized he had never been the person I thought he was and I was different too."

"What do you mean?" I was sitting on the opposite side of the couch. My back was pressed to the back of the couch. Soubi must've been facing inward, his front towards my back. His voice vibrated through the couch and I could feel it in me like ripples in an ocean.

"The old me would've ran to Semei. I wouldn't have give anything a second thought, but I could only think of you and how hurt you were. I wanted to stay with you and not him. It scared me at first. I was fooling myself by thinking I would love you as a friend or a brother with no further attachment." Soubi sounded far away.

"I didn't want to love anyone. Not after Semei was gone. There was no one to protect me, but you showed up. Now you protect me and I love you." Soubi leaned over the side of the couch. His hair touched my face. It was loose from the ponytail he always wore at work. He was looking in my eyes but he was upside down so I couldn't help but laugh.

"It's been awhile since you smiled. I was beginning to think you forgot." I felt guilty then. I'd only been thinking of myself and not Soubi.

"I'm sorry. I've been down lately."

"I know that." Soubi ruffled my hair. It made me feel like a kid, but I still liked when he did it. We ate dinner happy and took a bath happy and went to sleep happy. I knew I wanted more though, but now I knew that Soubi loved me on his own and that's what counted.


	10. Fooled

**Author's Note: Sorry for the lack of updates. **

I wasn't sure how to bring me and Soubi's relationship to the next level. I was nervous, but I would rather have him just have a relationship with me. All this tiptoeing around was really annoying. I would get somewhere one day and the next day Soubi would avoid me in a friendly way which was even more annoying.

I had waited until he was asleep to sneak out and go for a walk in the park. It wasn't smart, but I didn't care. Soubi went on and on about protecting me but it was all starting to sound like bull. I didn't want protection from him I wanted love and I was getting really annoyed with him. I sat on a swing and rocked back and forth. My life was like a swing. I was moving, but I went nowhere.

I looked up to see someone standing in the shadows. I stopped swinging and got up slowly. I recognized the shadow. I felt myself wanting to move closer and back away at the same time. "Ritsuka." Semei.

"Semei." I thought of all the times I stayed in bed with Semei. How we took baths and ate dinner together. Family. I wanted family. I moved a little closer.

"I've been waiting for you Ritsuka." Waiting for me, since when? Why?

"Waiting for me?" I stayed where I was.

"Haven't you missed me? Things can back to how they were Ritsuka. We can stay together now. I've been gone for awhile. I'm back though. I'm back for you." For me? No it couldn't be true. I could feel myself walking forward. I was fooling myself. Semei wasn't the same. No one knew him as I did.

I stopped in front of Semei. "Ritsuka, you haven't changed at all." He pulled me into a hug. He smelled good like new cologne and something spicy. His sweater was soft and warm. I could feel myself giving in. This was all I wanted anyway.

"Ritsuka!" Soubi's voice pulled me back to myself. I was already held against Semei and there was no way he was going to let me go.


	11. Ache

**Author's Note: Okay so I haven't been able to update like I've wanted to these past couple days. It's all because of finals and what not. So the web site has been updated. If you watch/read Ouran High School Host Club the official cast so far for the drama has been posted in the anime news column. New videos for this week are put up and I update the fanfiction update to include the newest fairy tale if you haven't read it yet. Thanks so much for all the reviews. **

I didn't know which way to go. Soubi had waited so long to give me any type of answer at all, even a tiny one. My loyalty towards him had started to fade when he wouldn't return my feelings right away. It was hard living with the one person who was hurting you the most. He was stepping all over my feelings and it was starting to get on my nerves a lot. Was Semei any better? He'd been "dead" for years and suddenly appeared and expected me to accept him.

"Ritsuka it's your choice to make." Semei was acting reasonable, but what would he do if I said no to him. What would Soubi do? I stepped back and looked at both of them. Whenever I looked at them I got an ache in my heart. It was for a different reason each time, but I still did. Right now I didn't want either of them. I didn't want to choose the lesser of two evils. I wouldn't put myself through settling again.

"I can't make a choice right now. I'm mad at both of you." Both of them looked shocked when I backed way and left. I was walking, but that didn't seem like it was fast enough. I started to run I didn't know where I was going. It was freezing outside and I only had on a light jacket. Usually summer nights weren't this bad. I could hear thunder somewhere close. I was at the school before I realized it.

I pushed the door lightly. It was open so I made my way inside. No one had followed me, at least I didn't think so. I wandered the halls thinking about everything and hoping to forget it all. Soubi's face...Semei's face. Now they knew how it felt to not know what was going to happen. To hurt so much you wanted to forget anything you'd ever known. I was standing in the doorway of my homeroom. I ran my hands over the desks.

I looked out the window. All the sports clubs were packing up their equipment and escaping from the rain which was like a waterfall. The windows were so blurry I could barely make anything out. I traced patterns on the window and stared down at the people who looked so tiny from up here. This was how my perspective on life had always been. It was like I was up above everyone else, but it wasn't fun. I would yell and scream, but I was so high up in my own world that no one would approach me. As far back as I could remember it was like that, but I couldn't remember back that far in the first place.

When I first heard the slapping noise getting closer and closer it didn't register. When Soubi appeared soaking wet in the doorway I realized he'd been running. He followed me. He chased me back into my own little world and cornered me here with him. As much as I didn't want him to break through he had reached my heart slowly. It was like a wall shattered. As much as I loved Soubi I'd been holding back too and I couldn't blame him for the whole situation. I had to shoulder some of the blame too.

I felt the tears spill over. Soubi just stood in the doorway. I just stood all the way across the room near the window trying to look as small as I could. As Soubi started to cross the room to get to me I tried to move back. I could feel the wall and windows behind me, but it still didn't register. I kept searching for somewhere else to go. I didn't want to be vulnerable. It always seemed like I was the only one who was weak and everyone else could handle what was thrown at them. I was the only one...I'd never been grabbed so forcefully by Soubi. I was scared until I felt his lips on mine. I'd never felt such an aggressive kiss. It hurt.

I stood there with my fingers on my lips which felt swollen, but that could've been my imagination. Even though it was cold and Soubi was soaking wet I could feel the heat coming off of him. "Let's go home." Home. The world filled my mind. My chest hurt, but I was happy.

"Home..." I wiped my eyes, but it didn't help my vision at all.

"Yes, Ritsuka. Wherever we are together is home." He always knew what to say.

"Stupid Soubi! Idiot! You're the worst kind of person!" While I was yelling all these horrible things I was hugging Soubi tightly so he wouldn't leave. He just smiled. "Why do I love such a stupid person?"

"Let me know when you figure it out." Soubi took my hand and led me home the whole way.


	12. Leave

**Author's Note: I've been neglecting Loveless! No! Also you guys should comment on my website or leave reviews about your favorite anime! I can write about those too. **

I let Soubi dry my hair for me and find dry clothes. I sat there thinking about what I was going to do. Even though I sometimes didn't want to I still loved Semei. I still trusted him. I knew a different Semei than everyone else. It confused me because I didn't know how Semei would really act if I wasn't there. Everyone seemed convinced he was cruel, but I don't remember him being anything but nice to me, especially when mom got crazy.

I pulled my shirt over my head and tried to think if there was anything mean Semei did. Nothing came up. The phone rang. "Hello? Oh hi Yuiko."

"Ritsuka I've been calling you for an hour!" Yuiko always assumed that if I didn't pick up the phone I was dead. I couldn't blame her now that she knew why I had missed so much school and came in with mysterious bruises. Well, she didn't know about Soubi being my fighter, but that was something I couldn't explain. My mom being crazy was something I could explain a little bit.

"Sorry Yuiko. I went out for a walk a little while ago and then it started raining." I tried to get the water out of my ears without much success. "Is something wrong?"

"I just wanted to say happy birthday!" What? I looked over at the clock. It was 3AM. She'd wanted to say happy birthday to me before anyone else. I could tell she was tired.

"Thanks a lot Yuiko. Now please go to sleep." I heard her laugh tiredly and the line clicked. I turned mine off and put it under my pillow. Soubi was smiling so he probably heard. Every year I forgot what day my birthday was. I never even remember the date. This was how I had always been. I always had to look on a school ID or ask Semei. It was weird. I knew why though. I didn't want to get older. I didn't want to die. I didn't want to forget everything. So every year my birthday passed without me thinking about it.

I snuggled under the blanket quickly. Soubi would believe I was cold and tired if I told him that, but I was wide awake. "Ritsuka, you seem upset."

"I'm just tired. It's been...a weird night." Soubi sighed. I felt him sit down next to me. He stroked my hair slowly.

"Ritsuka, everything is going to be okay. I'll make it okay for you." I wanted to cry, but I was too tired. I'd used up all my tears. I didn't have any left and I felt empty. I held Soubi's hand.

"Soubi it might just be better for you to hand me over to Semei and act like I don't exist. Semei has never given up easily." Semei always tried his hardest, and usually obtained whatever it was he wanted. I was always jealous of him for that, but now it was something that gave him and advantage. It scared me. If Semei could easily cut Soubi's neck like he did before...he might not have a problem hurting Soubi to make sure I came with him. I wanted to believe he wouldn't do something like that, but I also believed in Soubi. Even though Soubi wouldn't say anything bad about Semei I could see he was afraid around him.

"Ritsuka I wouldn't do that." Soubi's hands were warm.

"I know you wouldn't. I had to try though. You might be better off on your own." I didn't want to admit anything like that, but Soubi wouldn't have to deal with fighters if I just left willingly.

"I'd be unhappy." I didn't want that. "Don't worry about me Ritsuka." Now I was really tired. Soubi leaned down and kissed me. "Happy Birthday."


	13. Butterfly

**Author's Note: Sorry for not writing. Just busy with work and summer work. **

I never liked my birthday, but I had one of the best ones this year. It might be because I didn't have my mother to deal with. On my birthday she was very depressed. She always wished the "old me" would come back. I didn't know who that was. I was curious to find out, but after all the time with Soubi and my friends, who accepted me, I wasn't so worried about remembering anymore. The therapy lessons decreased slowly over time, and although my therapist was sad about it, I wasn't. I hadn't been to therapy in almost a month, and although my mother would call to check why I wasn't going sometimes, most of the time it was left alone.

When I finally woke up, I woke up to breakfast. Soubi was standing in the kitchen making way too much food for just me. "Eat whatever you like." I hadn't seen him so happy before. I sat down hesitantly. I had to eat as much as I could for Soubi's sake.

Five pancakes later, and what seemed like an endless supply of eggs, I was lying on the floor too full to be comfortable. "Thanks Soubi. It was great."

"I was surprised you could eat so much. You never eat that much, but its your birthday so I guess you can afford to be spoiled." I was never eating this much again. I didn't care what day it was. "I have a present for you. Come here."

I crawled over to Soubi. "What is it?"

"Do you remember awhile back when you pierced my ears?" I looked at the new butterfly earrings I had just gotten Soubi. I got them to thank him for everything he'd done. I'd never told him that. I never even handed them to him myself. I had wrapped them in a note for Soubi, and gave them to a girl who knew him. I could imagine him eating lunch with Kio, and opening up the note to find the purple butterflies. All I knew was he came home wearing them that day, and made a huge dinner. Kind of like this giant breakfast.

"I remember." I was scared to pierce anyone's ears. Soubi put that kind of trust into our relationship early on. Even when I wasn't ready to trust him he made me. It was just one of the good things about him. I looked down at the piercing gun in Soubi's hand.

"I want to pierce your ears." It seemed right somehow, but I was still scared.

"Okay." I clenched my hands into fists and placed them on my legs.

"You're okay with this?" Soubi was trying to act like I had a choice, but the eager look in his eyes gave him away. I nodded. "Now which ones..." He patted my head. "Well...you won't have those ears forever...that would be the cutest though." I could feel myself turning red. Soubi turned my head and gently tugged my ear. "This could be cute too." He was daydreaming. "Yep." Before I could even be scared Soubi had lifted the gun and pulled the trigger. I felt a little sting, but it didn't hurt other than that.

Afterwards I looked at the little pink butterflies in the mirror. Soubi was standing behind me, and I could see his. "Thanks, Soubi." I took a couple pictures of use while went for a walk. When we reached the park everyone was waiting.

"Happy birthday!" Yuiko rushed at me first. "I made you more jam, and a scarf." It was summer, but I wasn't going to say anything. The scarf was soft and looked comfortable.

"This will be great once the weather gets cold." Yayoi gave me some manga and then we just relaxed in the sun. It was the nicest birthday I'd ever had.

I walked inside hugging my gifts close. I was ready to just fall asleep. When I got to the bed there was a box sitting on it. I opened it. There was a card sitting on top. _To match your scarf. Love, Seimei._ A hat and a pair of gloves were inside the box. I dropped everything I was holding. "Ritsuka? What's wrong?"


	14. Burn

**Author's Note: For some reason I'm pretty shaky and hyper right now. Coffee usually doesn't do that to me, but there's a first time for everything. **

"Ritsuka?" I could feel Soubi shaking me. I was gripping the card to my chest. Soubi was trying to pry it out of my hands. "Ritsuka?" The slap echoed throughout the entire room. I was so shocked I let go of the card and fell back. "I'm sorry. You wouldn't listen." Soubi read the card and ripped it into pieces.

How was Seimei watching us and for how long? I had so many questions I wanted to ask him, but I didn't want to get near him. I picked up the gloves and hat and walked into the kitchen. "Ritsuka what are you doing?" Soubi followed me, but didn't catch up to me fast enough. I turned on the stove and held the gloves over the fire. Even when the fire started to touch my fingers I held the there. "Ritsuka! Stop it!" Soubi yanked my hands away. I threw the hat into the fire before he could stop me. "You're going to blow the house up!"

I was tossed onto the couch while Soubi fixed everything. After awhile he appeared with a first aid kit. "Look at your hands." They were red and hurt. Soubi started applying things that stung, but made my hands feel better at the same time. Then he wrapped up each of my fingers slowly.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Soubi." He shook his head.

"Ritsuka, you can't let things get to you like that." What was I supposed to do? "You can get mad at me or hurt me. Don't hurt yourself."

"No!" Soubi stared at me.

"Why would I hurt you?" I looked down at my hands.

"I know you like me-" I almost punched him.

"I like cookies. I love you! It's not like Soubi! Don't be stupid. I'm going to sleep." I curled up on the couch.

"Ritsuka..." Soubi sounded really hurt, but it was his own fault.

"Don't say I just like you Soubi, and I will never hurt you on purpose. I'm not Seimei." I could hear him suck in a breath. So it was true what people said. So did I love my brother who had always protected me, or Soubi who picked up protecting me with his life when Seimei left me? It was a harder choice than I thought. I was loyal to Seimei in such a weird way. Whenever he hurt me I would try even harder to make him approve. I loved Soubi in a way that I'd never loved anyone else. I didn't want to see him hurt or in pain.

Soubi stroked my hair slowly. "I'm sorry. Everything will be okay, so you can sleep now. I'll take care of it for you."


	15. Cute

**Author's Note: I bought Loveless on DVD. Now I can watch Ritsuka and Soubi over and over again. Also if you didn't read the newest Loveless chapters they are really cute :) **

I woke up in pain. My hands felt like they had a pulse. Hot soup was on the table beside the bed. Soubi was asleep beside me on the floor. He must've been waiting for me to wake up. He also moved me to the bed. I sat up slowly. I went to grab the spoon only for it to clatter to the floor. Soubi blinked slowly. "Ritsuka, you can't feed yourself like that."

Soubi fed me every bite of soup. He made me eat it all. He probably just wanted a chance to be perverted. "I'm sorry Soubi. For last night."

"It's not your fault Ritsuka. I also said some things that hurt you." He changed my bandages quietly.

"Soubi...thank you." I kissed his forehead. He touched it gingerly. Soubi acted more inexperienced than me sometimes. I wandered if he was a lot. He'd had such a horrible life that sometimes I didn't know what to think. I touched my butterfly earrings.

"I'd do anything for you. You know that." Soubi went off to wash the dishes.

"Soubi...I would also do anything for you." He turned around and opened his mouth than shut it.

"That's how couples are, right? When they are in love." I could feel how wide my eyes were. Soubi loved me. We were a couple. I got up and walked over to Soubi. I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his back. He dropped the bowl in the sink. I could feel the soapy water splash onto my arms.

"Ritsuka...so cute." I could the vibrations of his voice throughout my body.

"Soubi you can be cute too. You just don't know it."


	16. Photo

**Author's Note: Loveless is so cute :) **

I was beginning to be nervous about going anywhere. It was exactly the way Seimei wanted me to be. I tried to act like I was fine, but it was just something I couldn't do in my situation. Day after day I sat inside. If I wanted some air I would step out onto the balcony, and watch other people's lives go on. I thought of Soubi often. Spending all my time alone in the apartment, I learned a lot about Soubi. He had an old worn out journal. I never read it. I just sat and touched the cover. One day I was sitting there with it, when Soubi walked in. I don't know why I didn't hide it or put it away, but I didn't feel nervous about having it.

"Ritsuka, what are you doing with that?" Soubi didn't seem mad, just shocked.

"Sometimes I just sit here with it. It reminds me of you for some reason. It seems like something I would find in any place you lived. It smells like you and it kind of looks like you, familiar. I've never opened it." He looked confused about that.

"You never read it?" Soubi sat next to me.

"No. It's not mine to read. I just like it." Soubi took it and opened it. Beautiful drawings of butterflies covered most of the pages. Some of Seimei would appear here and there. In all of them he never had a face, or they were unfinished in some other way. Some of them had stains, probably from tears. Some had long letters to friends or family that were never sent. Towards the middle of the book all drawing of me started to appear. Every one of them was me. Whether I was alone, or with one of my friends, they were all me. "There's not one of you and me."

I picked up some tape and an envelope of our newest pack of developed pictures. I taped one in a page. "Those are new?" Soubi took them and flipped through a couple.

"I didn't look yet." There were some of me sleeping. Soubi probably took them at some point, but there were some of him sleeping too. My birthday pictures were there. All such recent memories, but because I was upset on my birthday I had already began to forget. It made me sad.

"Should we put them in the ablums?" There was one for Soubi and one for me. We always put some photos on the wall above his bed. It was beginning to be completely filled. There were some coloring pages from Youji and Natsuo beginning to curl and turn off white from age. I stuck one picture of Soubi sleeping and one picture of me sleeping above the wall, and then another of Soubi kissing my cheek.

Soubi and I spent awhile putting the photos away before starting dinner. I had started cooking with Soubi because he looked so happy while doing it. It was fun, just to be with him. Somehow, me flinging flour at Soubi, turned into a flour fighting. Kio walked in when Soubi was wiping off my face. I hadn't smiled so much in awhile. "Kio, you're just in time for dinner."

"Maybe I'll come back tomorrow." Finally Kio was getting smart.


	17. Different

**Author's Note: Has everyone heard the Loveless English Dub? Your thoughts? **

It had been raining a lot this summer. The rain was calming, but at the same time I hated it. While looking out the window, all I could see was a waterfall. Looking outside had become my new hobby since Seimei's appearance. I wrapped my arms around myself. My stomach hurt whenever I thought about Seimei. I was getting tired of being trapped though. I needed something to do. I got up and looked in all the cabinets, we were running low on everything. I walked over to the jar where Soubi kept cash in case I needed it. I grabbed an umbrella and made my way outside.

It was nice being somewhere other than the apartment. It was my home, but it was small and boring most of the time. I was thankful to be there, rather than my small dangerous home with my mother. I was eventually going to go crazy from being trapped inside for too long. I bowed to the store owner, who knew me by name now, and started to make my way through the crowded pathways. It was when I looked up that I saw Seimei. My basket dropped to the floor.

"You can only trap a hummingbird for so long, right Ritsuka? But you are still a creature of habit. You can only go so many places when you don't have school to look forward to." I never remembered Seimei being intimidating. Lately, I was really scared of him.

"We just needed more groceries." I bent down slowly to get my basket, keeping my eyes on Seimei the whole time.

"Soubi would've went, if you asked him." My heart was in my throat.

"Soubi works, so I should try to help out." Seimei smiled.

"You were always the same with me." I felt his hand on my head. It still felt the same. Seimei would always pat my head. _You're so sweet Ritsuka._ I could practically hear it now. Who was the real Seimei? I could feel myself shaking. "It seems you're cold." Luckily, the clerk was watching us and she didn't like what she saw. "I have to get going Ritsuka." And with that he was gone.

I collapsed on the floor right there. I could hear people whispering. My body felt like it was made of Jello. Something in me was terrified of Seimei, what scared me more was I didn't know the reason. To me Seimei had always been kind, I wasn't the type of person to believe what people said about Seimei because I didn't know him that way. Recent events had begun to change my mind, and whenever I looked at the scars on Soubi's neck I could believe there was a meaner, crueler Seimei. Inside I was battling with myself because I wanted to believe Seimei was nice, but I didn't really know him outside of our home.

I finished shopping slowly. I took my time and looked around. From time to time I would see Seimei outside of the store. The purpose of taking my time was waiting until Soubi was done work. Most likely he'd see my note and come to help me. I couldn't stop my hands from shaking, and I couldn't stop myself from dropping things everywhere. Finally when I looked up at the door Soubi entered.


	18. Betray

**Author's Note: I've full of good ideas lately! Just gotta get time to write them down. **

Soubi's eyes were wide. There was no doubt in my mind that he had seen Seimei as he was leaving. Lately, Seimei didn't care about making his presence known to anyone. I was shakily trying to put things in my cart and get myself together. The clerk looked at me and Soubi with worry. There was no way you could really explain this situation to anyone sadly. "Ritsuka are you okay?" Soubi laid a hand on my shoulder and looked into my eyes. I thought about lying, but it was harder to pretend to be together than it was to fall apart. "Did he do anything to you?"

"No, he didn't do anything. I'll be okay...I just need some time." Soubi took everything away from me.

"I'll take care of things here. Just stay by my side and try to calm down." I followed Soubi around as he shopped. I could tell he wasn't okay though. His movements were shaky. Everything he did looked like he thought about it. My stomach hurt just watching him. I stayed by his side and let him take care of things like he told me to. "You need to stay home from now one."

"But Soubi! I'll go crazy if I stay home all the time. That's the only reason I went shopping. There is only so much to do when I can't go anywhere." Soubi sighed.

"I can't even be there to protect you. I don't know how he knows everything, but it seems like Seimei can do whatever he wants. You may not even be safe inside." I never even thought of that. As long as I was in the apartment I felt safe. "You can invite anyone you want over. As long as you're not alone he most likely won't do anything. The fact that he showed up here today means he's getting cocky."

"Just what do you think Seimei is going to do anyway. I'm his brother Soubi." Soubi stopped walking and looked at me.

"If you were sure he wasn't going to do anything you wouldn't be so afraid Ritsuka. Listen to me." He grabbed my hand and started walking ahead. I had to run to catch up. Soubi was right and that's why I was mad. What I didn't understand was why no one would tell me anything. I was older now. I could understand what people had to say, but Soubi was still hiding as much from me as the first day we met. I followed him inside and went straight to the bathroom. I ran the bath water as hot as I could stand.

"Ritsuka...I'm sorry...just open the door." I slunk down further in the water. "Ritsuka?"

"Just leave me alone." No one trusted me enough to tell me anything. It was starting to get on my nerves. I put myself out there and was always betrayed. I would tell everyone every detail about my life only to get silence from them and I was starting to get very pissed off.

"Ritsuka...open the door." I got out of the tub and pulled the door open. I could fell that I was dripping water everywhere, but I didn't care at the moment.

"What?" Soubi stepped back a little.

"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings Ritsuka." I sat back in the tub.

"No one ever does." I made little waves and watched them fizzle out before I made more. Soubi walked over to me in quick strides despite the puddles that formed on the floor. I felt his hand under my chin and my head was tipped back. His eyes tore through mine. I had never seen Soubi look so serious.

"You just don't seem to understand Ritsuka." The joking funny Soubi was gone. He looked deadly. "I would never hurt you on purpose. I am just upset because I can't seem to be there when you need me most. That will change starting now." I was actually a bit scared. "Just like you don't like being hurt, I don't like being doubted. Believe in me. I'll protect you."

"I do believe in you Soubi...I'm just to used to being hurt by people I love." Soubi's eyes softened. He kissed my lips softly.

"I know Ritsuka. I don't want to be the one to hurt you. I'm sorry for suddenly getting that way on you...You don't worry about a thing. I'll fix it all."


	19. Cry

**Author's Note: Haven't updated this in awhile! **

When I woke up Youji and Natsuo were there. I woke up to Natsuo playing with my hair. I closed my eyes again when I realized he was in a deep conversation with Youji. "So why is everyone worried about Seimei so much...I mean I know what he did back at the Seven Moons, but that was back when no one expected it. Everything has changed now."

"You're right Youji, but we can't feel pain so the only thing we have to worry about is not dying. It's not the same for anyone else. You don't want him to get a hold of Ritsuka, do you?" Natsuo was so close to me it was hard to not react. His hand passed through my hair again.

"No, but that's why we're here." Natsuo didn't answer. I opened my eyes slowly. "Good morning Ritsuka!" So everyone was trying to protect me...yet again they wouldn't tell me anything. My day was spent with Youji and Natsuo. I barely had any privacy, but I felt safe. I didn't feel good and spent most of the day lying in bed.

I heard Soubi come in from work. Kio was with him. "Where's the kid?"

"Sick." Youji was busy playing video games.

"Sick?" Soubi sounded worried. My stomach hurt and I felt like I might throw up any minute. Whenever I did sit up the room wouldn't stop spinning, and it was hard to breath. Everything I was thinking about was making me physically sick. I clutched my stomach and curled into a ball. I didn't want to see anyone. I could feel myself crying, but I ignored it. I could feel the pain about to tear me apart. "Ritsuka?" Soubi sat on the edge of the bed. I bit down on my lip.

"He's been like that all day." Natsuo tried to sound like he didn't care, but he had tried to take care of me all day. "I tried to give him food and stuff, but he didn't want any."

"Alright. It would be better if everyone left." When the door shut Soubi took me in his arms.


	20. Scared

**Author's Note: Soubi chapter? Hellz yeah. **

I looked down at Ritsuka. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong. He wouldn't tell me if there was anything wrong. I watched the tears slide down his cheeks and make wet stains in the pillows. He was curled tightly in a ball. I tried to pry his arms away from his stomach. He wouldn't let me touch him without crying more. "Ritsuka...please talk to me..." He sighed and sat up.

"Soubi how are we going to be safe? What do we have to do?" I didn't know. I had no clue. I knew as much as he did that we weren't even safe here. It was my job to make Ritsuka feel better though. Even if I had to lie. No matter what I had to say...I had to make him stop crying. The problem was I couldn't even think of a lie.

"The only way would be to leave. You don't want to leave all your friends...even if we did leave it's not like we'd be safe for long. There are other fighters out to get us. Seimei isn't our only threat." Ritsuka nodded. He pulled me down next to him.

"Soubi, are you scared?" I wasn't. There had been many things I was afraid of in my life. Seimei was always one of them for a very long time. Even though I loved him...there was something wrong with him...I wasn't the only one who had seen the crazed look in his eyes. He wasn't normal. I wasn't scared of him anymore though. Ritsuka was my new master. If he told me to sacrifice myself, I would.

"I'm not scared." Ritsuka stared me.

"I'm scared."


	21. Run

**Author's Note: Bunch of random short updates today. I worked all day. Sorry guys. **

I looked down at Ritsuka. His head was tilted back and his eyes squeezed shut. "If you're going to do it just do it already!" I took a deep breath and grabbed a piece of Ritsuka's hair. I could hear the snip of the scissors, but I was watching his hair fall to the floor.

"Ritsuka why do we have to do this? Seimei will still know it's you." Ritsuka sighed.

"Soubi! Just do it. That's an order." I loved Ritsuka's hair...but if this was what he wanted. Ritsuka's hair was just below his ear when I finished. He stared in the mirror. "I have a plan Soubi. We're going to run away."

"What about your friends?" How long had he been thinking of this?

"They're not safe anyway Soubi. You know that more than I do. Everyone is keeping things from me, but I know something is wrong." Ritsuka pulled a box out from under the bed. There were wigs and clothes in it. We leave tomorrow.


	22. Rain2

**Author's Note: I bought two volumes of Loveless at Comic con. It was my favorite purchase besides the giant Junjou Romanctica poster that is now the first thing I see when I wake up. **

**Ristuka**

I never liked to give up. I may seem like a person who gave up easily, but deep down I have a lot of pride and it tears me up inside to give up. I didn't want to run away. What was messing with my head so much was that I was running from my brother. I was running away from someone who was supposed to love and protect me. I was supposed to love him too. I was afraid of Seimei, no that's not right, I was afraid of what I didn't know about Seimei. I didn't want to give up in front of Soubi either. I looked down in the box I'd been saving for emergencies. There were tons of things to disguise myself with, and things to disguise Soubi with too. At the bottom was a gun. I never knew if I would need it. I hoped not. Soubi looked into the box and then at me. I'd been collecting this stuff for a long time.

I walked into the bathroom and stripped down. The safest thing for me to do was be a girl. I wasn't excited about it and it'd be a little weird for awhile, but it would have to do until we could get far enough. I stared down at the underwear Yuiko gave me a couple days before.

"Ritsuka why do you want my underwear!" She stood in her room with her arms crossed.

"Yuiko things are dangerous for me right now. At some point I'm going to have to leave." Tears were already spilling from her eyes when he said dangerous. "You're my best friend, so I just need this favor from you." She nodded and packed up some of her clothes in a bag. I took off my scarf and put it around her neck. I stood there for a minute before taking off one of my earrings and pressing it into her hand. She took off one of hers and gave it to me.

Now I was staring at the small ice cream shaped earring in the mirror. I took my earrings off and replaced them with expensive ones. Most of these things I had stolen from somewhere. If I was going to look like a girl I had to commit to it. I slid on the thigh highs, underwear, and bra Yuiko had given me. She'd taught me how to stuff it, not like she needed to, but she saw other girls doing it and knew how.

I pulled a frilly pink dress over my head. Luckily the drama room had a lot during the school year. I pulled my ears through a light blond wig and sprayed my ears the same color. Looking in the mirror I couldn't recognize myself, and I guess that was a good thing. I looked at all the make up Yuiko supplied me with. When I walked out of the bathroom I looked like the daughter of some rich politician which was exactly what I wanted. Soubi stared at me for a good ten minutes.

"Do you think he'll recognize me?" Soubi shook his head. "I think the best thing for you is to be my butler." I handed Soubi a suit and a wig. He went into the bathroom to change.

Soubi walked out in a black wig. He'd replaced his glasses with different more fashionable ones. The bandage on his neck was gone. He'd put make up over his scars. I tied a nice scarf around his neck to hide it further. "How long have you been planning this?"

"A very long time." I looked around. "We can't bring anything." I grabbed the chunk of money from my pillow.

"Where'd you get that?" Soubi nodded towards the money.

"Doing minimal shopping. My mom's savings." Soubi shook his head.

"I never even realized, but I knew it would come to something like this." I dug under the bed for a hanging ladder.

"We're climbing out the back window. It's still a bit of a drop from the ground." I shoved some more clothes in a backpack along with the money and the gun.

"I'll go first and then I'll catch you." I nodded. Soubi climbed down and I followed. He caught me just like he said he would. I opened an umbrella when it started to rain. Soubi held it over my head. "What are our names?"

"You can be Yuki. I'll be...Risa." On our way to the station I spotted Yuiko coming home. She stopped in front of us for a minute. I nodded and she wiped her eyes.

"Good luck." She didn't say my name. She knew she couldn't. She couldn't hug me, so she ran away. I kept walking even though I wanted to turn and see if she was looking at me too. Soubi put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer.

"You'll get wet Ms. Risa."

**Can't we run away, can't we run away from your far too sad destiny.**


	23. Happy2

**Author's Note: I think a lot of you thought the last chapter was strange...but how else do you get away from a psycho like Seimei without being noticed? Plus this running away theme tends to bring couples closer. **

Ritsuka's shoes splashed in puddles. It was weird looking at him like that. I looked like a different person too, but I couldn't see myself. Far ahead I could see Seimei's form in the fog. Looking at Ritsuka I knew he saw it too. He just twirled his hair between his fingers and focused up on the sky. I kept my eyes on him, like I was making sure he wouldn't get into mischief. I almost wanted to hold my breath walking by Seimei, but I didn't. He barely noticed us. His gaze was still up on our door, but it didn't look like he was really seeing.

When we were well away from Seimei...very far away, nearing the train station I finally dared to talk. "Ritsuka where are we going?"

"We are going to take the train as far as it goes. I have enough money to last us a pretty long time if we are smart. We'll just move around and figure things out on our own. We're going to have to change appearance a lot...but we'll be safe." Ritsuka was a lot smarter than I gave him credit for. "I have a travel guide with tips and good places too."

On the train Ritsuka fell asleep leaning on my shoulder. He'd always been carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. It was no different now. At some point I convinced myself I was letting him have a childhood, and that he was completely happy. I knew deep down that I was wrong, that no one in his shoes could be very happy. I just wanted to deny all that because what I wanted for him was happiness. I couldn't make him happy though, and that bubbled up a rage like I'd never had before.

The train went on for almost two hours. The last stop was coming up. Ritsuka opened his eyes before I could even say anything to him. He stretched a bit. "Ready?" He seemed more ready than I was. I'd never wanted to leave everything I knew. Ritsuka had done it multiple times already.

Once in a hotel room, we walked almost two miles to find a decent one, Ritsuka sat on the bed and took off his shoes. "I don't know how girls wear such uncomfortable clothes." I didn't know how people wore wigs. I threw the thing in a bag and shook my hair out. I would never take it for granted again. "Soubi do you think we'll be safe for a little while?" It was hard to answer. Seimei really had no way of knowing where we were even if he figured out we were gone. He did look right into Ritsuka's eyes and not even recognize him. As long as we kept moving we were safe.

"As long as we don't stay somewhere for more than a week we should be fine." He was quiet.

"Soubi...I've wanted to be alone like this with you for awhile. Let's just treat it like a vacation." Ritsuka went into the bathroom to change into pajamas. I looked out the window trying not to cry...I'd never felt so happy.


	24. Edge

**Author's Note: Almost done ordering all my loveless manga. Now I just need the vocal collection and I'll have everything. **

"Take my ears." The words vibrated throughout my entire being as I kissed Ritsuka's small body. He'd appeared after his shower. I was still drying my hair on the overly plush hotel bed. He'd insisted on going second since he had to wash off all of the makeup. When I looked up he was standing in the doorway of the bathroom. In the dim light I could see the body of a boy showing signs of turning into a man. "Take my ears."

I thought I hadn't heard him right at first. The normally shy Ritsuka who would fight me off at any cost was asking something so...unlike him. I spent a minute trying to figure out if he was joking. "That's an order Soubi." The one time he asked me was the one time I thought I shouldn't. There seemed to be something wrong with this whole situation. "Soubi we don't have much time. I know I don't tell you enough, but I love you. Even though we're safe now it won't always be this way so I want you to..."

And that's how I ended up in the situation I always dreamed about. I looked down at Ritsuka. I could barely make out his features in the moonlight. His face was red though and his chest was rising and falling at a rapid pace. He wasn't pushing me away. Even when I put kisses all over any skin that was exposed on his body. His lose pajama pants were already falling down of their own accord. I could see his hips and abdomen. Ritsuka's hands were tangled in my hair. His eyes were closed. It was already enough to push me over the edge.


	25. Fear

**Author's Note: I've been feeling creative lately. **

Ritsuka

I stayed in bed late the next day. I was happy, but sore. I'd never been able to ask anyone about these sorts of things. Soubi wasn't in the room. It made me a little nervous, but at the same time no one knew where we were. I felt bad. Especially concerning my friends and Soubi's friends. They were all such great people. I knew what we needed to do though and there was no use dragging anyone else into it.

I looked in the mirror. I felt like part of myself was missing. My hair was sticking up at every angle...but there were no ears. I looked closely at myself. I still looked the same just with the one childish part of me gone. My balance was thrown off without my tail. I knew this was going to take some getting used to. Soubi's shirt was on the ground. I crouched down and hugged it close. I never knew he could be so gentle, even though Soubi was never a very harsh person. I could still feel his fingers delicately tracing patterns on my back as I fell asleep.

I opened the curtains and leaned outside the window taking a deep breath. The air was fresh. The sun was shining...and I was nowhere near Seimei.

Seimei

I walked around the park. I'd made a grave mistake. I kicked a rock across the ground cursing my stupidity. I'd gotten to comfortable. Ritsuka would never know that I could get into that apartment whenever I pleased. The time had come for me to take him...but when I entered they were gone. It was because I'd gotten lazy...because I hadn't driven enough fear into him.


	26. Relax

**Author's Note: I've been putting off writing this because Seimei scares me. **

Soubi

I watched Ritsuka dress in a frilly dress I'd bought downtown. He ditched the blonde wig and switched for a red one. He tied a bonnet on his head with copper-red ears attached. I helped him apply his makeup. We'd been in the same place for three days, done enough site seeing and exploring. I could tell he was getting scared. We could only relax for so long. He gave his parasol to a little girl upon leaving the hotel. We couldn't be seen with the same things anywhere. I was back in my butler disguise with some tweaking. I looked in the mirror again at my seemingly bare neck. Ritsuka had used makeup to make the scars seem like they were never there. I was going to act like they weren't for now.

I'd done some odd jobs and earned us a little more money. Ritsuka had stayed locked away in the room until night where we could roam freely. Once at the train station we again paid for the farthest stop out. It happened to be a small farm village, a place Seimei could never go. He hated places like this. We could stay here for a week.

Ritsuka

I flopped down on the bed. I would have to stay in my disguise almost the whole time we were here. In a small town news travels fast, and so I would remain a girl. I flopped down on the bed and looked out the window as the sun began to set. The country was truly a beautiful place. The people were a little odd but very nice. Soubi had told me we could stay here a week, and I was happy. I liked it here. We'd paid cheap for a week including food. Soubi had already found some work to do for the week. It didn't pay extremely well but it was more than enough to carry us to our next destination and so it was decided.

The inn keeper slid the door open and brought dinner in. I hadn't had a cooked meal in a couple days. "It looks great!" She smiled and blushed. She was young and pretty. "Thank you so much."

"There is an outdoor bath whenever you're ready...it'll be open once night falls. Please enjoy your stay." She backed up and closed the door. Soubi emerged from the bathroom brushing out his hair. He'd only worn a hat instead of a wig. He'd tucked his hair up so he wouldn't be noticed on the way here. We both ate in a comfortable silence. I knew that it wouldn't last. Something would catch up with us eventually.


	27. Love2

**Author's Note: Going to try and update every story this weekend. Don't know if I have the patience though. **

Soubi

Ritsuka slide into the bath, a towel wrapped around his body. His wig was tied up in a ponytail, something that took us longer to manage than was expected. With the towel wrapped around him like that he really did look like a girl at first glance. Inspecting closer you'd see his arm were a bit too defined for a girl, his jaw line a little too strong. Oddly it was attractive whether he was a boy or a girl. He sighed in content as he lowered himself into the water. I know he missed his own bed, his friends. There was nothing I could to offer solace but to be here by his side. I'd figured that out early in our journey.

He leaned his head back on the cool stone floor. His eyes were closed, neck exposed. As always it looked...I didn't know how to describe it. It made me want to kiss him. "It feels nice doesn't it?" His voice was low. It snapped me out of the fantasies that were beginning to take over.

"Yes. It's very nice." He opened one eye and gave me a pointed look. He probably already knew where my thoughts were headed. He adjusted himself and closed his eye. Sometimes it was hard to believe he was younger than me. It seemed like I was the one getting scolded. I moved close to him. Feeling me there, his eyes snapped open.

"Soubi I'm a girl. You can't get so close to me." I couldn't help the smile forming. "What stupid idea are you thinking of?"

"It seems like lately you can read my mind." I leaned in close to him.

"What kind of boyfriend would I be if I couldn't?" Boyfriend...


	28. Tears

**Soubi**

Ritsuka was laying on his stomach, chin resting on his hands. I'd gotten so close in the hot spring but he pulled away. Being a tease like always. I watched him as he flipped through a magazine swinging his legs back and forth. A spot of the futon was cleared for me. I didn't trust myself going over their. The inn owner had already said goodnight to us when we were coming out of the bath. I knew everyone was sleeping and that's why I couldn't trust myself.

"Soubi." I looked over. "Soubi I'm tired, but I can't sleep." His eyes looked heavy but I could see the restlessness in his movements. "Do something about it."

I laid down on the futon pulling Ritsuka on top of me. "Hey what are you doing?"

"Don't worry. I'll be good." I pulled his head down to my chest. Sometimes hearing Ritsuka's heartbeat put me to sleep. He closed his eyes and I ran my fingers through his hair. I wish he felt safe right now. I needed him to feel safe with me. His breathing got deeper and deeper and I knew he was asleep. It was only then I let the tears escape and squeezed him close.

**Ritsuka**

Soubi always thought I didn't see him cry, but he was wrong. He was the one who didn't see me kiss his tears away when he became exhausted and fell asleep.


	29. Away

**Author's Note: I really haven't been sure how I should be continuing this until now. I figured I have to write something. **

_Soubi _

The sunlight peeped through the windows of the inn. Ritsuka was still snuggled up on my chest. I could feel him breathing, his chest was pressed against mine. His breath tickled my neck. He gripped my shirt in his hands like I was going to run away. At first I thought he did that because he was afraid, but awhile ago I realized he did that with everything, even his blanket. He was like a kitten.

I ran my fingers through his hair. It was soft and plush like feathers even when he did suffer from bedhead. I hugged him close. He whined into my chest. I knew I was squeezing him too tight, but I didn't want to let go. I felt Ritsuka's teeth on my ear. I was so shocked I let go of him.

"You're going to crush my ribs Soubi." I hugged him again.

"I'm sorry I can't help it." He snuggled into my chest. "You're so warm."

"It's just that you're too cold. I'm completely normal." He always said that, but I never believed it. He might be right. I wasn't going to tell him that though. Ritsuka sat up and rubbed his eyes. He stretched and then flopped back down. This was his normal routine. After a few minutes he'd get back up. "Soubi I don't want to keep running like this. I've been enjoying my time with you but I don't want to keep running away." I knew exactly how he felt.

"We should go somewhere farther than. Somewhere you brother wouldn't want to go. He only likes places he become familiar with. We should just go farther." Ritsuka sat up.

"Like where?" He yawned and leaned forward.

"It doesn't have to be another country or anything. What is something Seimei doesn't like?" Ritsuka tilted his head to the side.

"Well I guess he doesn't particularly like the sea. He always thought it was dirty." That's right.

"So we'll move near the ocean." Ritsuka smiled and stood up.

"I think that'd be nice."


	30. Phone

_Ritsuka_

Soubi had gotten a job in the harbor. He helped load cargo on ships. It was a nice town. The air was fresh and the people were nice. We'd been here for almost a month. Like a suspected there wasn't a sign of Seimei. Soubi would still go around at night and check things out in case we needed to run. So far everything had been okay.

I sat on the bed and dialed Yuiko's number. I hadn't been able to talk to her at all in the past couple months. Knowing her she was worried. "Hello?" It was late her voice sounded groggy.

"Yuiko?" She paused for a minute.

"Is that you Ritsuka?" She whispered it so it was barely audible.

"It's me." She sighed, but didn't talk any louder.

"Are you in some type of trouble?" Why would she say that? "A month ago there was a guy who came around asking about you. I didn't tell him anything. Just that we were classmates and I didn't know you that well. He left after that. I called Yayoi and told him to do the same." Yuiko was smart no matter what anyone said.

"Thanks Yuiko. I can't tell you about everything yet, but I want to. I will someday I swear. I really miss you." Was she crying?

"I miss you too. Yayoi misses you too even though he won't admit it. I wish I could visit you...but I know if someone followed me I wouldn't be able to forgive myself." Poor Yuiko...

"I'll try to call more often, but our conversations have to be short." I looked down at my stopwatch, almost to three minutes. "I have to go Yuiko. I'll call soon."

"Goodnight Ritsuka." I hung up quickly. Seimei would have people's phones tapped. A call can be traced in three minutes. Soubi and I had a prepaid phone we could always dispose of, but keeping calls three minutes was still a precaution we needed to take. There had to be an easier way of doing things.


	31. Calm

Ritsuka

The water splashed onto my ankles, it was freezing. I ran down the beach, the only light to guide me the moonlight. Soubi was behind me. He grabbed me by the waist and lifted me high over his head. I couldn't help but laugh and scream like a little kid. I couldn't remember having any memories like this from before. Seimei probably had never liked the sea...at least I got the feeling it was like that. And what Seimei didn't want we didn't do. That's how it always went. Soubi's laugh echoed in my ears.

He held me close and for a minute time stopped. I wanted to stay in this moment for a long time. He set me on the ground and kissed the top of my head. I heard the shells in my pocket clink together. I leaned against him as we walked down the beach. He ran his fingers through my hair. "Are you happy Ritsuka?" The question echoed in my mind.


End file.
